Hey guys! Welcome back. Or welcome if you are new. I started this blog over a year ago. While some of you may know the background, I am going to share it with all of the new people who are reading one of my blog posts for the first time. I graduated high school in 2015. That is also the year I turned 18. 2015 also ended up being the worst year of my life. However, in many ways it ended up being one of the best years.
You see, my life up until I turned 18 was nothing short of terrible. In fact, some question how I even managed to survive what I went through. From child abuse to neglect to being on my own, I learned that life isn’t always perfect and people aren’t always nice. My parents were rarely there for me and when they were it wasn’t any better. My mother hurt me physically, mentally, and emotionally and my dad never stopped it. He has since done a better job at making up for that, but at that time it was what it was.
But one thing I learned during my childhood, and still continue to learn, is that people are just that. They are people. We all make mistakes and we all get hurt by other people’s mistakes. We are all flawed in our own ways. It sucks, but that’s life and life rarely doesn’t suck. However, there are moments and people in our lives that make it seem a little bit better. So even the bad times aren’t that bad.
Through all my struggles I learned that I have a strength that is unimaginable to most other people. I share my stories and talk about the things I have gone through, and people are amazed by it. They actually find it very strange that I am even still alive. But that strength is something that is a result of 21 years of being hurt. So that strength comes at a price.
My life has not been perfect. It has not been easy. But on June 14, 2015 I decided it was worth it. That day I made the decision not to end it all. There were so many things going on at that time between my parents and I right in the middle of it. My mother was torturing me and no one could do anything about it. I had graduated high school by this point, but I still had a month and a week before I would turn 18. I didn’t have a lot of contact with people on the outside world because of course I had no phone. But even if I had, no one would have helped me.
I had been struggling for some time at that point. It had been over a month since it all started. There were so many lies and things being twisted. My life was falling apart and there was nothing I could do. On that day I decided that I only had one option if I wanted to stop the pain and that was to end it all. I was scared of dying, but I wanted it to all end. I didn’t want to suffer anymore. I wanted people to miss me. I wanted people to finally be able to see what they were doing to me. But for many reasons, I chose not to do it.
I won’t spill all of those reasons here because I’m not sure that is necessary. I will just share the overlying reason: I knew that there had to be more. My life was not perfect and I knew it never would be. But I also knew that there had to be something more. There had to be a reason I went through what I went through. I couldn’t let it end with what was happening. I couldn’t leave knowing there was a chance that my life could mean something somewhere down the line.
I don’t know if it really means anything now, but I know it means more than it did back then. I know that I have grown since that fateful day three years ago. My point in telling you all of this is that I started this blog two years after. So on June 14, 2017 I started my blog. The reason I chose that day is because every year on June 14 I do something to commemorate my life. I do something that is going to help me celebrate the fact that I am still alive. The first year I did something private that I need to keep to myself. The second year I created a blog. This past year I wrote an article titled “13 Reasons Why I’m Glad I Gave Myself a Season Two”. This title was in honor of my finishing the second season of Thirteen Reasons Why. Essentially, this article tells the thirteen reasons why I’m thankful I didn’t end my life on that day. It means everything to me.
Which brings me to the reason for this particular post. Anyone who knows me knows that recently I have been struggling. I have been fighting a losing battle for sometime now and I realized that it may not get better anytime soon. But I have realized that the strength I had all the time I was growing up is still inside me. I still wake up everyday and do the very best I can. Even if it’s not the best for everyone else, it is the best for me. That’s really all that matters to me.
I do believe I deserve more credit that I get sometimes. I sometimes think when I ask people for help they think I can’t handle myself and that I am weak. The truth is, my asking someone for help means that I trust them and I have faith that they will help. Sometimes it doesn’t play out that way. Sometimes the people who end up helping me are people I never expected to help, but in the best way.
I know that I am not always the best version of myself. I also know that everyone else is not always the best version of themselves. Life is hard and we are all humans. We all make mistakes and don’t use our best judgement. But we can’t be defined by those mistakes. Because they don’t become us. We are not what we have done. We are who we choose to become.
My life is going a direction I never imagined it would go down. But it’s all for the best. I am learning and growing and I hope that you are too. I hope that you see that life is not perfect and neither are you. The people who hurt us only do it because they are human. It may be difficult to wrap our minds around it, but it’s the truth.
Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things for me. I have been hurt so much by so many people. But through that I have learned that I can’t trust everyone. I can’t always believe everyone. Not everyone is going to be good to me. But I can’t dwell on that. I just need to move on and continue to be the best version of myself that I can be.
So this is me forgiving the people who have hurt me, who are hurting me right now, and who will hurt me. Because I know it won’t stop here. No one is perfect, not even myself. We all fall. But we all have to get back up. Life is too short to be angry or hold on to pain you don’t need to hold on to. If you have the strength to move on, I believe you should. Don’t let things break you that aren’t worth it. Your life is only so long, so give it your best regardless of what other people are doing.
You are not alone in your fight. You are stronger than you seem. Your life means more than you think. To someone you are nothing. But to someone else you are everything. Your life matters and who you choose to become matters. It’s all a matter of perspective. Live your life in a way that inspires other people. Because if you have the power to make someone happy, you should. The world needs more of that.
I apologize for how long this was. This must be some kind of record for me. I don’t think I have ever talked this much. But I hope that shows you how important this is. I hope you are able to recognize how important everyone is to this world. From the things we thrive at to the mistakes we make, we are all human. We are all cracked, but that’s where the light shines through.
I have become a better person because of my experiences, both good and bad. I wouldn’t trade any of them. Though my life is not perfect, at least I can say that I am trying. I know that I am worthy of a good life. I am worthy of love and kindness. I am worthy of so much more than I give myself credit for. I can’t let all the mistakes and regrets hold me back. It was a big step for me to write this and it’s an even bigger step for me to share it. But it needed to be done. Thank you for taking the time to sit with me and read this. I hope you stop by again real soon.