Hey guys! Welcome back. Today I wanted to get a little more personal and talk about something that I have struggled with for a long time. I have had depression for many, many years and I wanted to open up with what it is like to live with high functioning depression. It goes without saying that living with such a high level of depression is exhausting and limits my everyday life. But I have learned to live with it and today I wanted to share what it is like to live with high functioning depression. This is just a little insight in case you know someone who is also struggling with this or if you are struggling with it and you having trouble understanding what it is and why you or someone you know feels certain ways. So this is what I go through on a daily basis living with high functioning depression.
1. I always feel like I’m faking things. I feel like I am faking my emotions, my personality, my presence, and so much more. I always feel like because I struggle so much with depression that I pretending to be someone I’m not. It is a daily struggle to try and open up and not be so guarded, but when you struggle with depression it can be difficult to accept yourself and live with the depression.
2. I always feel like I have to prove myself. Something that comes with depression is the idea that we are not good enough. I know I struggle with not feeling good enough or worthy enough. So I always feel like I have to prove myself. I need validation from others and I need to feel emotionally taken care of. Therefore, I am constantly doing things that will gain me validation from others and that will “prove my worth and existence”.
3. Normal days are good days. For people who don’t struggle with depression, they often have good days. Days that are out of the ordinary and that they feel really blessed and happy in. For people with high functioning depression, a good day for them is a normal day. I live for the days when I don’t worry about anything and I manage to keep my depression at pay. But those days are hard to come by.
4. The bad days can be unbearable. I have bad days just like anyone else. For me my normal days are days when I struggle with depression but I am able to handle it. The bad days are days when I can’t take it and nothing seems to be working. The bad days for people with depression are often unbearable and leave us feeling very badly. We get sensitive, defensive, and other emotions that it is hard to describe.
5. It requires an enormous amount of energy. Having high functioning depression takes a ton of energy. It leaves me feeling exhausted by the end of the day. Depression is not an easy thing to struggle with and it takes a lot of you. I constantly have to work around my depressive episodes in order to get much done. It is incredibly frustrating to have to work things around it.
6. I struggle to focus. I have a hard time focusing even on good days. I struggle with keeping my mind on one thing because my brain has trained itself not to focus on something for too long. It is frustrating to not have a long attention span because I have to go back and forth between things in order to stay focused. But depression tricks us into keeping our brains thinking about something new so we don’t go into a bad place.
7. I always feel like it’s not my best work. My attention span with high functioning depression is very short. So I often feel like my work is often not my best. I don’t work very well with big projects because they take a lot of focus and energy that I often just don’t have. It is an incredibly weakening thing to deal with. I wish I was always proud of everything I did, but that’s just not the case.
8. Asking for help is the strongest thing I ever did. People sometimes look down upon people who go to therapy, but I have found that it is the strongest thing I have ever done. Therapy has helped me so much in the past and I know it took a lot for me to work up the courage to go. Going to therapy does not make someone weak. It means they were strong enough to realize they can’t do it alone.
Thank you so much for stopping by! I hope you enjoyed this. Please like it if you did. Let me know in the comments what other posts you would like to see. Don’t forget to follow before you leave if you have not already and I hope to see you next time!
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