I Am So Tired I Can Barely Function

By: Dani Kessel

[Trigger warning: This post discusses anxiety, PTSD, COVID-19, trauma, and flashbacks]

This is going to be a short post today.

I haven’t been sleeping. 

My anxiety and PTSD have been so agitated that my meds aren’t even completely fixing it. At the moment, I’m on about 3 hours of sleep. I tried to lay down and take a nap earlier. My brain was a vortex of negative, racing thoughts though. On top of this, yesterday, I had a nearly two-hour-long dissociative episode. My friend had to talk me through it over the phone. The night before that, I couldn’t sleep either. I was on about 4 hours of sleep. Even this past weekend, I literally was so tired that my body crashed. I didn’t remember going to sleep. I didn’t remember waking up. My cognitive functioning is not up to par.

Sometimes, you really just aren’t doing okay.

My mental state has gotten so bad at the moment that I had to log off of Facebook and limit my social media intake. Continually seeing posts about quarantine and kids being off school was bringing back traumatic memories. I was experiencing emotional flashbacks to feeling scared, trapped, powerless, and a bunch of other things like that. My fight-flight-freeze-fawn response has gone haywire, and I’m constantly doing grounding exercises just to keep me from falling apart. 

My online support group reminded me that this is a fairly normal response for trauma survivors. A member sent me this article which explains it better than I ever could:

3 Ways the Coronavirus Is Affecting Trauma Survivors and Victims of Narcissists (And How You Can Cope)

It helped me to not feel so alone.

I am going to take the rest of the day to do self-care like take a bath and eat food of some sort. I need that for myself. But, if you are also struggling during this time, know that you aren’t alone either. It is hard to be isolated and feel confined as a trauma survivor. It can bring up a lot of things you’d rather forget. You aren’t stuck in the past though. And there are lots of online resources/phone hotlines you can reach out to for help.

We’re all just trying to make it through the day.

We will get through this.

Next day update: 

I’ve now officially been awake for 24 hours. 3 hours of sleep in almost 48 hours is not good. My brain won’t shut off. I keep getting flashbacks and anxiety attacks. My Ativan is helping calm things some though. I’m at least more mentally stable. Hopefully, I will be able to nap today. I think sleep might help decrease the symptoms of my mental illnesses.

2 thoughts on “I Am So Tired I Can Barely Function

  1. I am a trauma survivor too – of many things, many traumas.. I have narcissist ex, I battled cancer, lost my family all with in these past 3 years – whew – now this

    For me – I like the isolation … I feel safe by myself? And I definitely want to stay away from doctors and hospitals

    There is no one hurting me or trying to invade my space… it has given me a minute to breathe… it is peace for one minute for me.

    I do have moments of panic, because I just miss my people… and I am concerned for others I love.

    I also struggle with the sleeping aspect because without being so active – I am not tired … and then my mind races 🤨

    It’s ok, you are not alone. Everyone handles in their own way, and this by far is not easy to handle for anyone!

    I think everyone losing it a little here and there through this… it was swift and sudden… we didn’t see coming… has been a shock

    Sometimes though, even the tough things we endure or survive through – need to be changed or reset …

    Sometimes when bad things happen… it was meant to make life brighter even if you don’t see it at the time.

    I find it helpful to just unload here… is easier for me to unload HERE on the blog … than in real life. I am silent and quiet with my life IN real life – you would only see my smile, not my pain.

    So unloaded when you can – know you are not alone… and just take day by day.

    Easier said than done sometimes.

    We will get through it. I always like to just think – it’s just a moment in time.. it will pass. I can do this!

    I am strong – I made it through so much … I will be damned if this thing gonna take me out lol

    Anyway… as far as sleep 🤔… what bores you? Sometimes I can’t sleep but I have a game on my phone that is monotonous- it will have me asleep in like 5 minutes lol.

    Or maybe a documentary? Something you have no interest in or find boring?

    Don’t worry too much … we are all in same spot … we can get through this.

    Take the moment to breathe if you able … cause life will come back after this and we won’t have these moments of peace or connection – try to cherish or find a way to cherish the moment you can.

    Do you have a hobby? Or something you love and haven’t had time or ability to do ?

    I like looking through photos or watching different videos…

    Stay away from social media – even before this I could not handle it… it is a THOUSAND times more peaceful without that!! Let it go. I did and it’s been awesome without it

    Yes I miss my people – but I am still in my healing stage and I don’t know if I ever go back to the social media or not … but it has been incredible without it

    I can make my own decisions clearly / I don’t have to have the weight of others on me… it’s nice

    There are aspects I miss – but I can’t at this moment so I don’t.

    Make sure you be you – make sure you have a outlet and can be whoever you want to be. Dance and don’t care who’s watching

    Anyway sorry so long – just wanted to help if possible✌️ stick together right?

    It’s very important to have a good release and support system.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for the long and thoughtful comment.

      I’m working on being okay. I’ve definitely distanced myself from social media. I’m really only using Facebook Messenger and Instagram. I’m picking and choosing the people I talk to. It’s been a struggle with so many trauma triggers, plus the narcissist in my life has tried to reach out again. (Don’t worry, I’m not engaging in any of that.)

      A lot of my energy is being channeled into work, music, and reading. I sing, write music, and play multiple instruments, so I’ve done a few live streams of me fiddling around on my guitar. It’s nice to have friends engage with that.

      Unfortunately, boring things don’t help me sleep. My mind wanders into anxiety spirals when I’m bored. I spend a lot of time rewatching Gilmore Girls though. I’ve seen it so many times that it’s calming. I’m also listening to Bob Ross episodes which calm me. Hopefully, I’ll get decent sleep soon.

      I appreciate how supportive all of you readers have been. And Sam’s been unbelievably patient with my article submissions. She’s a very caring person to work with.

      Sending my best to everyone,
      -Dani

      Liked by 2 people

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